Is there a worst?

I’ve experienced a lot of heartache lately. Tears come at least once a day. I can’t help it. I hurt.

I’ve been betrayed by a boyfriend and a best friend. And I’m not sure which is worse. Is it worse to be hurt by someone you love, but have known for less time? Or is it worse to be hurt by a friend you have known for years and would have been a bridesmaid at my imaginary wedding?

I don’t know. They hurt equally. My heart hurts.

I now have one less person to chat with on the phone, or run out to get some disgustingly greasy food with, one less person to gossip with. One less. And for what? And. For. What.

I have done nothing to deserve the heartache and pain that I have been through recently. And although everyone, including you, tells me that ‘things will get better, they can’t get worse,’ it has.

I’ve been reading a lot of Thought Catalog. And it seems that everyone in their 20s is miserable. Misery loves company. 20s are when you decide what friends are keepers and what ones will fall by the wayside. 20s are when you figure out the rest. 20s are when you decide what kind of person you will be, and what kind of person the world will see.

I don’t want to sound overly pessimistic, but maybe I need to stop looking for the best in people. Maybe I need to look for the safe. It’s better to be surprised by how good and amazing someone can be rather than be slapped in the face by someone you trusted with everything.

But really I hope that my life is toothpaste right now. I am squeezing out all the bad, all of the awful out in one huge glob before I can get everything back on track. Get back to being happy and get back to hope. 

Thank God I leave tomorrow. If there was ever a perfect weekend to get out of Iowa, this is it. Back to nature I go.