On YOLO

You only live once, they say.

YOLO

The battle cry of a lost generation.

stupid

We shake our fists at the sky. Cursing a God we never pray to.

or haven’t prayed to in a long time

We’re not lost. We just claim to be.

I roll my eyes at those who don’t try. Those who expect the world

To fall into their laps.

YOLO

Really?

Living is everything.

Living many times. In many ways.

In travel

In family

In hope

In silence

In people

YOLO?

I grow more irritated at the notion of YOLO everyday. The sound of it is stupid. Seriously, would Don Draper yell “YOLO” while trying to close a deal?

No.

He would spout off some eloquent soliloquy about not frittering away an opportunity.

Life is about living, and failing, and living again.

It’s about the hurt, about going on when all you want is to give up.

It’s about the resurrection, the rebirth.

The hope. 

Finding a Fix

For now, I am dividing my life into two halves. Pre LC and Post LC. LC being “Life Crisis.” This isn’t permanent; maybe further down the line, God forbid, these shift.

But for now, pre-December is referred to as Pre-LC. After March, being Post-LC. The life crisis spanning the epoch from December to March. Yeah, it was a doosie. On several levels. 

Post-LC, and I guess somewhat during, I found an outlet in Hot Barre. It was a serendipitous find…maybe not serendipitous, maybe it was a Groupon find. But whatever.

I needed something that was new, that was mine. For those who don’t know what hot barre is, it’s a beautiful little torture chamber. Usually held in a room that is somewhere between 85-95 degrees and 70% humidity, it is a test of wills. The moves are a combination of yoga, Pilates and ballet. Each movement is held in isometric suspension. The idea is to exhaust the muscles to the point where you shake. And shake. And shake.

My very first class was incredibly hard. Granted, I hadn't worked out much in 8 months (the boyfriend excuse), but I knew I wasn't the only one that was light-headed and gasping for air. Many people had to leave the class part way through or else they would have passed out. (I've almost passed out twice...sometimes the heat can be too much). My body was using muscles it had never used, and more importantly, I was strengthening the ones I do use on a daily basis. 

I’ve been doing this class since January and actually have noticed changes. My core is much stronger, I feel leaner and more flexible. And I’ve dropped 15 lbs…although most of that is stress related. But hey, I haven’t put it back on!! Stress is the best diet.

But the best thing about this class is the sweat. It drips from my forehead, from my shins, from my elbows. My yoga mat is sweat soaked by the end. It feels so good. I haven’t gotten sick this winter either, from the flu or cold anyway.

I like to get to class early and sit in the silence. I am usually the first one there, so I lay out my pink mat and sit either cross-legged or with my back against the wall, legs out. And think. I have never experienced a place where I feel so calm, so free. If I could sit there in silence all day, I probably would find nirvana. But, it’s only an hour class, so nirvana is still a ways off. I leave class on such a high, with such a clear mind, it's really an amazing thing.

Without hot barre, I am not sure where I would be right now. It has given me such a peace, that without it, I am sure I would be even more lost than I am. By focusing all my emotional pain into physical pain, it’s given me a channel of release. It’s a therapeutic process that I don’t see ending anytime soon. But if I can find emotional peace and get a banging body at the same time, I think it’s a fair trade.

Classes are at Kris Hot Yoga in Waukee, Iowa. Check them out at www.krishotyoga.com.

The Worst Phrase in the English Language

“I’m sorry.”

We have been conditioned to say this phrase for longer than we’ve been able to speak.

It starts with our parents apologizing for us.

I’m sorry…she’s been fussy lately.

I’m so sorry that the baby kept you up during the flight.

I’m so so so sorry he threw up on your shirt.

Then our parents instill in us when WE should apologize. They give us subtle clues on how to acknowledge when you are wrong.

Say you’re sorry for hitting your brother.

Tell your mother you’re sorry for using her favorite lipstick on the wall.

Tell the priest you’re sorry for screaming and running up the aisle during church.

But once that ends, it is completely up to us as individuals to acknowledge whether “sorry” is something that we want to say. And because it has been taught to us since we were young, it is more of a reflex than anything else.

There should be a huge difference in “sorry” when someone bumps into you and you spill your drink and the “sorry” that someone tells you when you’ve found out that they have cheated on you for 8 months.

But the phrase is the same.

I think we are probably more “sorry” about the drink spill than the “sorry” for cheating because we actually hurt someone without gaining anything in the first situation. The things that cut deeper, love, friendship, jobs, life…those “sorry’s” that we say to others aren’t as deep because WE have gained something…a significant other, a promotion, a sense “beating” someone.

As much as I hate the new turn of phrase “sorry I’m not sorry,” I think it really sums up the way our culture has moved from one where we actually care about other’s feelings and their prerogatives, to one where it is self-serving and narcissistic.

Sorry I’m not sorry…he’s mine. Get over yourself

Sorry I’m not sorry, I don’t care if your phone is dying, I was here first

Sorry I’m not sorry you’re pregnant, I’m keeping my seat on the bus

I’ve heard a lot of “I’m sorry” recently and I have come to loathe this phrase. Because no matter in what context, I'm still the one getting hurt. Are you sorry? Or are you saying this as reflex. I have to decide…that no, you aren’t sorry.

You are sorry you’re not sorry.

Is there a worst?

I’ve experienced a lot of heartache lately. Tears come at least once a day. I can’t help it. I hurt.

I’ve been betrayed by a boyfriend and a best friend. And I’m not sure which is worse. Is it worse to be hurt by someone you love, but have known for less time? Or is it worse to be hurt by a friend you have known for years and would have been a bridesmaid at my imaginary wedding?

I don’t know. They hurt equally. My heart hurts.

I now have one less person to chat with on the phone, or run out to get some disgustingly greasy food with, one less person to gossip with. One less. And for what? And. For. What.

I have done nothing to deserve the heartache and pain that I have been through recently. And although everyone, including you, tells me that ‘things will get better, they can’t get worse,’ it has.

I’ve been reading a lot of Thought Catalog. And it seems that everyone in their 20s is miserable. Misery loves company. 20s are when you decide what friends are keepers and what ones will fall by the wayside. 20s are when you figure out the rest. 20s are when you decide what kind of person you will be, and what kind of person the world will see.

I don’t want to sound overly pessimistic, but maybe I need to stop looking for the best in people. Maybe I need to look for the safe. It’s better to be surprised by how good and amazing someone can be rather than be slapped in the face by someone you trusted with everything.

But really I hope that my life is toothpaste right now. I am squeezing out all the bad, all of the awful out in one huge glob before I can get everything back on track. Get back to being happy and get back to hope. 

Thank God I leave tomorrow. If there was ever a perfect weekend to get out of Iowa, this is it. Back to nature I go. 

Songs that Make Me Happy

A non-comprehensive list of songs that make me happy. Given everything that I have been through in the last few months, I have expectedly turned to music to change up my moods. Some songs I self-medicate with, but other I really enjoy because they make me happy. 

Without further adieu, here they are:

 (Side note: no I’m not “up” on music as much anymore, but I’ve been busy. K? cool)

“Take you Higher" Goodwill & Hook n’ Sling

Thank you, Pandora. How do you not love a pleasant electronic beat with a  voice straight out of aussie folk. And the video is an instagram’d beauty.

Best lyrics: Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
                      Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
                      Hey, Hey [ 5x ]

Okay suuuureee, the lyrics aren’t the most poetic, but the smoothness of his voice is just…happy.

 “Part of me Katy Perry”

Obviously this video is amazing and hits home. Katy Perry crying in a gas station bathroom? Well I’ve cried in a bar recently, and I get how she feels. This is definitely my favorite Katy Perry song. I remember when she preformed it at the Grammy;s right after she broke up with Russell Brand, it was electric

Best Lyrics: You ripped me off, your love was cheap
                        Was always tearing at the seams
                        I fell deep, you let me down
                        But that was then and this is now
                        Now look at me

But really I could put the entire song here

Clarity – Zedd

Zedd is a little German/Russian DJ wunderkind. I really like this song because 1. Of the beat and 2. I think it captures the emotion of a really shitty relationship. Which I just had.

Best Lyrics: Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
                      It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
                     Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
                     If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you.

 Dancing on my own – Robyn

Robyn like,  gets me, you know? She is basically awesome. She is beyond awesome. Her and Marina and the Diamonds are the best thing to happen to music in a long time (ok that might be a stretch, but that is my opinion)

This song basically describes 21 years of my existence. And probably the next 5. She’s the shit.

Best Lyrics: I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh
                    I'm right over here, why can't you see me? Oh
                    I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home, ooh
                   I keep dancing on my own
                   (I keep dancing on my own)

Power and Control – Marina and the Diamonds

I discovered Marina a while ago, and I think Marina has been through some stuff. All of her slower songs are full of so much angst. I sing along in my car at the top of my lungs, people probably look at me funny. But I don’t care. I am a Diamond and Marina is my queen.

Best Lyrics: Women and men we are the same,
                      But love will always be a game,
                     We give and take a little more,
                      Eternal game of tug and war.

Ellie Goulding – Figure 8

This is where you can really hear that Ellie dated Skrillex, but this is a song I could listen to right before a long run, on repeat and be able to run a marathon. It makes me wanna impale someone in the balls. But more intellectually, I like how she uses the ‘figure 8’ as an infinity symbol…a relationship that isn’t great but continues anyway.

Best Lyrics: I chased your love around a figure 8
            I need you more than I can take
            You promised forever and a day
            And then you take it all away

Mumford and Sons – Lover of the Light

Do you think this list would be complete without Mumford and Sons? I fell in love with this song way back in June 2011 when I heard them play this live at their first big US show in KC. It became the soundtrack to my summer in Hawaii and now it is comforting almost gospel like-ballad that just reminds you to breathe.

And Last but not least:

Swedish House Mafia – Save the World Tonight.

Swedish House Mafia is basically amazing. "Don’t You Worry Child" is an anthem, but this one is equally as good. It’s a song about dogs saving the world. Seriously go watch the video and see how those furry friends kick some serious ass.

Best Lyrics: Who's gonna save the world tonight?

                Who's gonna bring you back to life?

                 We're gonna make it, you and I

                We're gonna Save The World tonight

Picking up the Pieces

How do you pick up the pieces? How do you move on? I’m 22 and just having to do this for the first time. from a relationship that was a lie. I stayed out of the fray for a long time because I wasn’t ready, I didn’t want to have something that was fleeting. I wanted something that mattered with someone that mattered.

So I waited until something came along that was easy. And I found that, at first. And I let my guard down. Of course there were great times; of course I was happy at first. But the memories are completely negated by the fact that he was making the same memories with someone else. Probably even on the same day.

What does this leave me? Does this even count as a relationship? I don’t know that I can emotionally count something where I was the ‘other woman’ for the entire time. It makes me sick that someone is so capable of hurting people like this. And the only answers given were “I didn’t have a reason to break up with you. I liked being with you.”

Those aren’t answers. They are copouts. They are way to justify actions are completely unjustifiable.  An attempt to manipulate a way out of a situation, which is a trait of a sociopath. Which is what you probably are. And you probably know it.

I don’t know how I cannot, NOT let this experience affect me in future. I was so guarded before, I can only imagine in a few months when I do get over this situation (I am over you) I will have trouble letting people in again, because look what happened on my first try.

But you will never win. This battle may be yours, but the war is mine. 

Full Circle

“I think we might have someone in mutual in our lives, M****** ******t. I’m his girlfriend. We’ve been dating since Nov. 2011”

And with that. Everything changed.

A sucker punch straight to the stomach. Tears immediately welling up in my eyes. Everything was a lie.

I’m wide awake. –Katy Perry

Why did I not choose to see what was so clearly in front of me? It’s a simple answer. I loved him.

I’m the ‘caregiver’ archetype. You can see that in my career choice, the friendships that I have maintained, the life that I have lived. He was a challenge, and I saw him as someone who needed my ‘help.’ And he accepted it, taking the good energy I put out, and not returning any.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in. –Taylor Swift

I wish I could take back that night. The night when you said ‘hello.’ I wish I would have turned around and walked away. You were not worth it. The crazy that has enveloped my life over the past four months has been due entirely to one person. And even though I have had two months of distance from you, the crazy is still here, still finding me. Knocking me down again when I had moved on.

I don’t want it. I don’t want you. I don't want to be called a homewrecker, especially when it is clear you are the one that is doing the wrecking.

You are too proud to say that you made a mistake; you’re a coward to the end.-Marina and the Diamonds

There are two ‘worst parts’ to this. The first is that your girlfriend goes from informing me about your two timing ways to telling me she will file harassment charges if I ever contact you again within a six hour time span.

So much for ‘girl code.’

The second is that I know you will never feel guilty in the way that I want you to. I want you to hurt every day for the rest of your life. I want the ghost of me to haunt you. I want everyone to know what kind of person you really are. Because you are not a good person. 

But you can't hurt me anymore. You've already accomplished everything you can do.

Protect yourself cuz you'll wreck yourself. In this cold hard world, so check yourself –Robyn.

Confessions and a thank you

Day 27

I realized today how much I don’t remember about December. I sort of emotionally blacked it out. It’s a blur of tears, of pills, of sobbing phone calls. It was a month of loneliness and abandonment from the person I loved, a month of anger toward God, a month of regret at myself. 

I don’t believe in hiding emotions or lying about how I feel, but maybe I didn’t realize how much I was lying to myself. I didn’t get necessarily how much I needed someone there for me until I came through the worst part of everything. I think I’m starting to see how what happened affected me, or at least how it changed my view on societies perceptions, stereotypes and stigmas. On a variety of things.

As a whole, we are quick to judge those who we don’t know and crack jokes at other peoples expense without realizing who in the room is listening or watching. We don't realize who those crass and terrible jokes might really effect.

This past month made me realize how much there is I don’t know about the people in my life. I have amazing friends who truly love and support me and will always be there. They listened to me cry for hours, they put up with my depressing text messages and Facebook status’ without judgment. But on the flipside, I also realized the person I cared about the most wouldn’t be there. This person left in the worst possible way at the worst possible time. They left in the night without so much as a goodbye or a look back.  

But this is all character building. The 20s are hard and everyone is miserable. It’s just a part of growing up and understanding we aren’t invincible high school kids who can drink a box of wine and pop up the next morning without a hangover. Life is a hangover—it’s an ongoing one. And those people who seem to “pop right back up” don’t, they put on a good face and smile even though things are probably really difficult. Everyone has their something. Everyone.